Pregnancy and labour.

*Trigger warning ~ there is mention of blood loss, miscarriage, abortion, sickness and suicidal thoughts.

If you find this at all triggering please stop reading and reach out to the relevant people to offer you support to help process your emotions.

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To cut a long story short, getting pregnant was not easy. Prior to getting pregnant I suffered severely with endometriosis which immobilised me when I had a flare up; I would be on morphine tablets, bed bound and covered in burns from scorching hot water bottles.

I finally got pregnant in December 2021, it had been about a year of try at this point and I had dream that my mother in law, who had passed a month prior, had written me a letter telling me about how i’d be an amazing mum. I woke up and instantly tested and there it was, the big fat positive.

Me and James were over the moon, we booked an early pregnancy scan, started making announcement cards for our immediate family. January 25th 2022, we went to celebrate my best friend/sister in law’s birthday, she shared she had gotten engaged and we shared we were pregnant, everyone was overwhelmed with happiness, that happiness was short lived.

While we were having our meal, I was getting the most intense cramps to the point I was holding back tears. I remember going to the toilet and just seeing blood, my heart dropped, I knew what was happening. I went back to the table, told James and we excused ourselves.

James at the time didn’t have a driving licence and I was in no fit state to drive, so I had to call my mum. My mum drove us to the hospital where I was seen on the emergency gynaecology ward. They did a pregnant tests, took my bloods and did an internal examination.

The pain during the examination was unbearable, I was crying and they offered me gas and air, which I gladly accepted. Spaced out on the gas and air, I lay on my back staring at the fluorescent light above me, all alone as this was during Covid so James was not allowed with me. The doctor said ‘Chloe, you may feel some pressure or discomfort, i’m just removing some tissue’.

After the examination, I got dressed and the doctor confirmed I just had a miscarriage and the tissue had gotten stuck to my cervix which is why I was in so much pain. She went on to explain they had removed all the tissue they could see and to do a pregnancy test on a certain date to ensure I was now testing negative.

I walked out of the ward, shook my head at James and sobbed. He just held me and together we cried. I got back into the car and cried into my mums lap and then climbed into the back of the car to sit with James where we sat in silence while I cried.

We never really spoke about it after that, we just felt numb and continued with life. It was hard now having to come to terms that all those scenarios and dreams we had of us with a baby in 8-9 months were no longer going to be a reality.

We made the decision that we would keep trying for another baby, but we wouldn’t be hyper focused on it. I say we agreed, James agreed and I did the exact opposite, I was tracking my ovulation with strips, writing down any and every symptom I had, testing each month and getting heart broken after seeing each negative test. Would we ever have a baby of our own?

It was July and we were going on holiday to France with James’ family, this holiday was in memory of his mum. We spent the entire holiday sat with family, laughing, acting like giant kids in the pool and water park, while also getting very tanned.

While we were away, I noticed I was ovulating and thought ‘i’ll be okay if I miss one cycle, it hasn’t happened yet, so why would it happen now?’. Well I was wrong.

We returned to the UK and it was the morning of the 31st July 2022, James’ mums birthday; I had another weird dream but this time I gave birth to a dragon, weird. So I thought i’d do a test, I had noticed some odd symptoms but didn’t get hung up on it due to the disappointment we had experienced the last 18 months.

I sat on the toilet, done the test and started tidying up and there in the corner of my eye was two lines. Not one, two. Holy shit. I was pregnant.

We made the decision not to tell alone because if we miscarried again, we couldn’t deal with having to tell people we lost the baby all over again.

Unfortunately, pregnancy was not easy for me. I had what I thought at the time to be morning sickness, I was unable to eat or drink anything, loosing weight, back and fourth to the doctors and hospital.

My mum had driven me to the hospital when I was about 8 or 9 weeks pregnant and was expressing her frustration to me that none of the health professionals were taking my sickness seriously and I just blurted out ‘IM PREGNANT FOR GOD SAKE’, silence and then my sister screamed ‘I KNEW IT’. It felt like a massive weight off my shoulders.

At 10 weeks we then told James’ family by inviting them over for food and dressing our cat, Mr Jiggles in a bandana that said ‘Soon to be big brother’. Everyone was so excited.

Every time I visited the doctor or the hospital about my sickness I received the 'it'll go in your second trimester’ or ‘sickness is a good sign, it means a healthy baby’. A healthy baby was great, but what about a healthy mum?

Shortly after my dating scan, I was admitted onto a hospital ward for dehydration as a result of my sickness. This is where I heard Hyperemesis gravidarum for the first time.

Finally, a diagnosis. However, after researching I realised how I was likely going to suffer my entire pregnancy which made me resent being pregnant and this tiny human I was growing. I started joining forums and saw other families had gotten abortions due to the tremendous impact it had on their mental and physical health, was this an option for me to explore?

Thankfully, the medication I was provided with helped reduce my sickness. I could eat maybe 1 or 2 meals a day, plus fluids. My weight slowly started to come back and I started to feel my son kick and slowly started to enjoy pregnancy, somewhat.

I was now 37 weeks and 4 days, it was March 23rd 2023 and my C-Section was scheduled for April 4th. Me and James were sat eating tuna pasta bake while watching TV when I was getting some pretty intense cramps which were every 2-3 minutes apart.

We rang the labour triage and they told us to come in. James at the time still had no full driving licence and had to drive me to the hospital on his provisional licence. We arrived at the hospital, went onto the ward and they examined me, ‘you’re 8cm’s, this baby is coming.’

Absolutely fucking not. I was meant to be having a C-Section, an elective one. I started crying, becoming frustrated and demanding my C-Section. The midwife and James basically told me tough luck.

We had gotten to the hospital around 8:30/9pm, I was then put into my own room where I was now in labour getting ready to meet my son. 3-4 hours later I gave birth to Jayden, pushed out my placenta and my sickness disappeared in the blink of an eye.